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Hi Trashies!
Hopefully you’ll be well rested and happy after New Year, or frazzled and hungover – depends whether you have a family or not. The cast of Masterchef Junior didn’t tragically die over Christmas, so that’s one indignant letter of complaint I need to write to Santa.
I did get time to myself to binge watch Penny Dreadful S1, the Flash S1, Plebs S1 and S2 and a whole bunch of films I hasn’t seen yet like Guardians of The Galaxy, which is nothing like the Guardians of the Galaxy I read in the 80s and 90s but was ok even so. Then I got so bored Ive started watching the X-Files from the start again. I also saw Derren Brown’s latest show in London which was excellent. So bear with me if it takes a while to remember who the kiddies all are. There’s two episodes to wade through so buckle up.
There’s a brief mid-season recap, for people like me who are terminally stupid and remember almost nothing of a show they watched only three weeks ago.
Tonight is an egg challenge, followed much later by some tag team switching tomfoolery. Eliminations might even start getting fraught as we are down to the top 10 now.
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So they’re cooking Alligators, is my guess
Only four minis are competing in the next challenge. They pick an egg, crack it on TG’s head and if it has red or blue in it that’s their team. So the other six don’t get a chance to win at all? Whoa!
Blue is Amaya, Kya.
Red is Zac, Kamilly.
Props to TG for having nine or ten eggs cracked on his head.
So the four of them now have to make as many deviled eggs as they can. Deviled (or Devilled depending on the area) are pleasant enough but rarely spicy enough for me to want to make them myself. Basically I’ll eat yours if you brought any, but I won’t be bringing them to the picnic myself.
If you haven’t met them before they are just boiled eggs with the yolk hollowed out, mashed up with mustard or mayonnaise and put back in and paprika chucked on top. Plus some other spices depending on the local recipe or cooks taste.
One final twist, TG and Gordy are competing too. Gordy takes the dubious decision to engage in some trashtalk with Kya.
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ch’yar ul’nyar shaggornyth. Your soul is mine Ramsay.
Just in case anyone has a cow over me putting occult words into the mouth of a child, I haven’t, they’re entirely made up and not occult at all. And she’s clearly a hellspawn so I didn’t start it.
They have twelve minutes, but Team pro chef are only getting half the time to cook. The winners get to skip the next challenge, but if Gordy wins they both cook. Hmm. Can anyone say ‘Time filler’? On average it takes someone who is ‘amateur’ ten times as long to complete a task as a professional, down to three times as long for an ‘experienced amateur’. So time is on Gordy and TG’s side. Basically you will never beat people who practiced these skills for the last twenty five years, unless they deliberately lose it. Making a mockery of the whole thing even more, as six aren’t getting the chance of a pass from the next elimination challenge.
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Eggsalent!
There are some things you just have to do. TG and Gordy fail miserably and Red team (Zac and Kamilly) don’t cook next challenge.
There’s two going home, so the previous challenge and how it was set up was manifestly unfair. As Addison is lined up to win, its probably not worth bleating on about this too much, they’re really just establishing the order in which the others lose.
In this round the sprogs are doing their signature dish. At their age my signature dish was beans on toast. Or a double Whopper with cheese.
Avery gets a hard time off TG for misspelling some bits in her cook book. Kaitlynn is sailing right into danger by making Black Forest cupcakes, but using raspberry instead of Cherry – on the grounds that raspberry goes better with black chocolate. That’s a matter of taste, but Black Forest gateaux has Kirsch (cherry liqueur) running through it, so she’ll be missing a component – which Gordy then confirms. Also no cream, just vanilla buttercream. That is, as Gordy says, just a chocolate sponge with buttercream on it and raspberry sauce – unless she has something up her sleeves (she doesn’t). It’s going to have be a chocolate sponge that gets you drunk, drives you home safely and then deposits three thousand quid into your bank account as a thank you gift for her to stay.
Amaya is going in a similar tack to Avery – returning to her home cooking roots with a stew from the Dominican Republican. Sounds very good and a safer bet than Kaitlynns cupcake.
Kya is going French, even to the point of using the right French name for Canard a l’orange. Or Duck in orange sauce, with a Kya twist of added fennel and some fondant potatoe.
Corey is making Jerk Chicken, which is usually amazing so it’s not looking good for Kaitlynn.
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Nurse! The raspberry sauce isn’t working, 10CC of Kirsch stat!
Addison overwhips her cream. She hasn’t got any more to use. Until she finds some off dead-woman-walking Kaitlynn. Then she’s fine. That’s about five minutes of air time summed up there. Its all flooding back to me now.
Judging!
Avery is up with her Crawfish Stew with steamed rice.
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Stick a fork in it
Can’t really go wrong with this if its cooked properly. It’s ‘Avery’ on a plate, and looks good. Is it ‘elevated’ enough? It tastes great, according to the judges, so probably. OK Gordy loves it too so definitely.
Kya is next. By the token that the good ones tend to get called up first, and it’s Kya who is aas freakishly talented as Avery, I’d say she gets a pass too.
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Fondant!
Bar her slightly too thickly cut fennel, its a hit for Kya.
Far far too late, Kaitlynn is starting to think she should have made one of her Korean dishes.
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Yeah I’d say so.
Gordy starts off with the bollocking – a cupcake is not a dish. It isn’t really like Black forest cake, which isn’t really a problem as such, but Gordy hates it, which is.
Amaya’s Dominican rice and Shrip stew, with plaintains, looks ok.
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There’s only a limited way to present a stew I suppose. She knows exactly what she’s doing and she did it well.
JJ is up with fettuccine, cream sauce and grilled chicken. Gordy is not a huge fan.
Mohawk Sam is up with chicken wrapped in bacon and artichokes, and my nemesis – cous cous.
Addison presents an apple and passion fruit Danish pastry.
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I’d like my snot-splat to go, please
Now we know Addison isn’t going home, or Amaya, as they were featured in the ‘coming up next’ segment for the next ep. Brilliant, Fox, just brilliant.
Corey is up last with Jerk chicken, red rice and beans. The carrots are under cooked, and in a disastrous turn of events, so is the chicken. Not pink even, but red, although that might have been the colour balance of my screen playing up to make it more dramatic. Its the autofail for Corey, and Kaitlynn has the decency to look shocked whilst realizing she now stands a chance of staying.
Avery and Amaya win the two top places. The losers? Although its not a massive guess, it can only really be Corey, Kaitlynn or Addison going.
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Who is saved? Hint, the one that we saw cooking in the next ep at the start
If I was Kaitlynn or Corey I’d be steaming. A stupid asshat challenge got two people safe, and they didn’t even get a chance to compete in it. Although right up until they went out the door, I was expecting the judges to say ‘psych!’. They don’t.
So it didn’t take long to remember how it all works.
Next hour!
Yet again, we get Softball Queen Addison banging on about her favorite topic again – herself.
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If I see this bloody face one more time I’ll scream
Could they make it any more obvious she is in the final? Probably against Kya.
Tosi introduces her ‘best friend’ in the entire world, her mother. Bitch, you don’t get out enough if one of your parents is your best friend.
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Yeah, we forgot to download emotions into her when her made her
She’s yet another ‘Amazing Mum’, according to Gordy. Would I really be the only person to introduce his ‘Annoying, money grabbing mum, one I still love as she spawned me, but I wouldn’t trust her with a fiver – in fact count your fingers after shaking hands and for God’s sake don’t get her started on her psychic powers/intense delusional fits’? ‘Course I am in fact perfect. ahem.
Back to the mystery box. Its an assortment of crap Tosi would eat growing up. Avery is disgusted at the presence of Worcestershire sauce, asking how on earth that can be used in anything. As a fermented fish sauce, pretty much on anything. Its supposed to be from an Indian recipe brought back by a Noble who served in the East India Company, but that’s highly unlikely. Chances are that was just marketing hype, as it was competing against ‘Reading Sauce’ – another fermented fish sauce that was hotter and made by a Reading fishmonger – and that’s where the classic orange bottle comes from as Lea and Perrin copied it. But Reading Sauce went the way of Cherry Phosphates. I really have to stop learning things that have nothing to do with my job.
The next great twist is all the minis get to talk to their best friends.
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Piss off Mum, we all know only Auntie can cook
Or best friend who can cook, if they are more practical than sentimental. As usual whoever wins gets the advantage.
Nothing happens during cooking, and very quickly we get towards the end. A lot of the minis are doing desserts. TG picks on Avery once again, risking to spoil his nice guy rep as he asks if when she says she doesn’t want to be a one legged pony if she meant ‘one trick pony’. That’s the kind of pedantry that always makes you really popular.
Mohawk Sam meantime is having a real disaster.
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This seems horribly familiar to me
Some of his cereal based stuff has caught fire under the grill. He looks around, clearly hoping Gordy will come and save him, and eventually he does. Its not as bad as it looks as he has some more ready to grill and does it properly this time.
The top three are:
Addison the ever annoying. Her business plan is to run a bakery where if you buy a pastry, you can use the batting cage out the back. In about ten to twenty years time, look for a spate of fat middle aged men dying of heart attacks as they attempt to relive their high school glory in a bakery near you. Because that’s the main subset of people who are interested in baking and baseball.
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Impending doom for flabby, saggy, tubby old men
Addison is already talking like a middleaged man with all her sporting analogies, as Avery notices.
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And I thought Dad’s sports stories were bad
Zac is up with a pan seared chicken breast and potato puree. Zac is crowing that only he went the savory route, but so did Kamilly. Its a hit though.
Sam is up with his mousse.
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Obesity here, me and Diabetes are coming to hang for the next forty years
Apparently it tastes great. Zac wins, which is a victory for vaguely healthy eating if nothing else.
So Zac wins and gets to pick the duos for the next tag-team challenge. First, he picks Kya as his partner. A bit surprising – yes she is good but her age and tiny build means she is a disadvantage compared to the older kids.
He picks Kamilly to work with Sam, on the grounds they won’t talk.
Avery and JJ are put together, and Amaya and Addison. Zac seems to have judged it well as Amaya is already worried about working with Addison.
Its a tag-team challenge, which makes for a lot of shouting. Its a international street food platter, from samosas to spring rolls.
In yet another dubious twist, the losing team goes home. So if your partner stinks, you too are toast. The only way this is fair, is if they just won’t send home a good chef – which then wouldn’t be fair. So my money is on Sam and Kamilly having just been sunk.
And now the screaming starts!
Most of the partners seem perfectly ok with yelling instructions to the other one – how far they’re being obeyed is questionable but at least its communication. Down at Sam and Kamilly, the tumbleweed drifts past.
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Shy Ronnie Lives!
Zac on the other hand is actually listening to Kya and doing what she says. Gordy goes over and drops a bomb on Avery and JJ for doing things in the wrong order, marinading the cucumber but not the steak. Sauces and marinades need as much time as possible, but Avery and JJ knew that as they come from families that hunt. Tosi does the same job on Addison and Amaya, and Gordy goes to point out to Kamilly and Sam how bad they’re doing. Amaya and Addison start melting down in spectacular fashion, but its not clear if its melodrama or real crisis.
So in the final ten minutes the teams plate up and bring it all together. Kya and Zac seem to be lagging now as Kya is slowing down, so who knows whose doing well.
Judging!
Addison and Amaya are up first, and get ready for a heartwarming story of redemption and finding strength through pressure. Or some crap like that.
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Looks ok though.
Gordy likes it. It gives the chance to say one of his favorite sayings ‘its not how you start but how you finish’. Or, you can still win even if you scream at each other the whole challenge.
Next up is Kya and Zac, and they look to be in trouble – they’re missing sauces and spring rolls.
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Sparesly populated
Its not a great effort, and Zac wastes his time trying to dump the blame on Kya, forgetting that if one goes down, they both do, so there’s no point.
JJ and Avery are up, and JJ don’t know much ‘abit dang street foods. They do know how to cook though – but they too missed the spring rolls, and some sauces. Overall its good, but incomplete.
Sam and Kamilly are up. They are missing sauces and the Italian rice balls, the Kofta is under cooked. Oops – raw lamb, the autofail. The spring rolls and samosas are good, but the beef was under cooked too. Not great.
So, the final result and the lowest scoring team are out. The winner is Addison and Amaya, despite the screams and tears. The worst teams are Kya and Zac, and Sam and Kamilly. The losers are Sam and Kamilly, somewhat unsurprisingly. Sad as they were both likeable enough, and get a ‘we’ll never forget you’ as they leave.
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Frankly I’ll be shocked If I remember them next week
So that wraps up the post holiday restart. The first half had the worst case of shenanigans I can remember in Masterchef’s decidedly dodgy history, and the Ever-Annoying Addison’s Train of Glory was so evident the rest of the time its surprising they’re bothering with the rest of the season. On the plus side, it looks like next week someone drops a hot pot on Ramsay’s foot and ruins his shoes.
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