Heya Trashies!
Eeep. I was sitting around wondering when Masterchef Junior would start, and as it turns out, two days ago. Still, start as you mean to go on, as my grandmother used to say.
So its the turn of the kids to wow us with their culinary expertise.
Flee – they’ve breached the perimeter!
I don’t get on with kids at all. Pretty much I think they’re mostly dicks, but I can’t be rude to them as they’re young and its not really their fault. Whereas adults are mostly dicks and it is their fault so I can. So yes, my big problem with kids is I feel I have to be polite to them.
Also, they’re evil. When I went to a friends party when we were both five, I was aghast to find out his grandmother called him ‘the best little boy in the world.’ As I explained to my mother later, that couldn’t be true as that’s what she’d called me only the day before! Could you believe the arrogance! So I realized how perfidious children could be.
The first annoying little monkey out of the gate is gushing that she’s been picked to be one of the 24 top home cooks in America (this year, and only out of kids) out of a ‘trillion billion people’. Considering that most kids are at the stage of liking purple food more than green and have just about mastered pressing the ‘on’ button on the microwave, I think this might be slightly easier than she’s suggesting.
Can cook, can’t do maths
There’s a few more ‘oh wows’ until we get to the judges. We get a further taste of how precocious and annoying some of them are going to be. If you aren’t an embittered old man, you might find them endearing, Robo-Tosi certainly does. ‘Oh wow they’re so tiny!’ she says, with a rare smile and even a laugh. Her smiling or her apparent lack of understanding of human growth, I’m not sure which is more disturbing.
Gordy asks them if they’re excited to be here. Of course they are, they’re kids. They’re like dogs, excited to be be awake basically. The prize is $100,000, which is obscene. Yes I’m jealous. I barely make minimum wage at the moment, allow me to seethe with hostility and resentment.
Luckily I recover in time for the next treat. For which there are no words.
Nope. No words for this.
I wanted to use that as the featured image, but I’m still too stunned to think up a tag. Its a giant pinata, with the aprons in it. So a shit pinata really. I think there are some ex-proteges of his that might have liked to join in at this point.
So finally its on to the mystery box. As ever, they get a huge advantage if they win.
A Step Ladder
Its a good job the last time I did this show was in season 1, and Ronnie has nuked the db so you can’t see the same jokes coming out here as then.
Inside the box is a bun. They’re making a burger! Apparently the average American eats three a week, which places me somewhat above average. Cough. So they’re making a burger and a side, in an hour.
One of them, Adam, is making a bacon-cheeseburger that sounds good. The youngest one is eight, but actually sounds reasonably confident. As watching patties and bacon cook isn’t that exciting, and they can’t be rude, we get to judging very fast.
First up is Avery, the congenital liar from the top of the program. She turns out to be from Baton Rouge so says she’s just a girl from the Bayou.
I think the patty is a little too thin
Aside from the fact its so big it might not fit into even my mouth, I think I’d give it a go as it sounds good. The judges love it, Gordy thinks the bun might be a touch soggy, TG wants more pork.
A brief interlude. We get a camera shot of a burger I’m confidant isn’t being called up, It looks burnt and generally thrown together, much as breakfast when hungover is. Its burned, and looking very ‘student’ style cooking.
Is it Sunday morning already?
Athlete Zac is next, with a professional looking effort. I hate him.
If I thought kids could cook like this, I’dve had one.
I suspect mine wouldn’t, they’d just yell at me and throw things, shouting ‘why aren’t you dead yet?’
A solid cheeseburger with onion rings, and I’m not mocking when I say that. Cooking something basic but doing it really well is a sign of a good cook.
Last up is Kya, and if she doesn’t terrify you with her precocious talent then you aren’t old and afraid. Its a Wagyu beef burger with apple fries. I’m unconvinced by non-potato sides with burgers, but I’d risk it in this case as it sounds interesting. Wagyu beef in a patty is arguably a waste too, but its an impressive showing from an 8 year old.